There aren't any "rules" in 12 Step meetings, but we found the following helpful.

Growing up in dysfunctional homes, we developed patterns that were necessary for our survival. As children, we learned three rules: Don't talk. Don't trust. Don't feel.

In ACA meetings we break these rules as a part of our recovery. We talk about what happened then and what's happening now. We trust the people in this meeting to respect our feelings and to treat what we say here as confidential. We feel the feelings we stuffed, and get in touch with our feelings today.

But in order to do this, our ACA meetings must remain safe places to talk, trust and feel, i.e., recover. How can we keep our meetings safe?...

CROSSTALK, ADVICE and CONTROL

Most meetings do not allow crosstalk, i.e., each person is allowed to share freely within the agreed time-limitation without editorial comment, one-liners or other interruption from the rest of the group. The Phoenix Intergroup makes this suggestion:

"In this meeting we DO NOT crosstalk, interrupt or make comments about other people's statements. We do this for two reasons; FIRST: When we were growing up no one listened to us; they told us our feelings were wrong. SECOND: As adults we are accustomed to taking care of other people and not taking responsibility for our lives. In this meeting we speak about our own experience and feelings; we accept without comment what others say because it is true for them; and we work toward taking more responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others."

Not offering advice creates a safe environment for feelings to be expressed without fear of comment or judgment. We allow others to find their own answers, learning for our part to accept people just as they are. In this way we are practicing on our own recovery.

Advice and crosstalk are the most common problems in ACOA meetings. They do more harm than good, by DIScouraging rather than ENcouraging the expression of feelings. Those who have a problem with their own feelings are the first to give advice to others. We are not here to gossip or to "play" psychotherapist, counselor, clergyman, or social worker. If advice-giving occurs, a gentle reminder from the chair may be helpful, not in criticism, but as help. Crosstalk after the meeting, if you must, but never IN the meetings. It is neither necessary nor helpful for the chairperson to comment after each person speaks — meetings flow by themselves and if there are silences between speakers, wait patiently for the next speaker who will surely come. Let go... Let go...

ANONYMITY

At these meetings some very personal experiences and deep feelings will be shared. What you heard and who you saw here must remain confidential. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings undermines trust and can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together.

FEELINGS

Sometimes we find these meetings disturbing as we get in touch with emotions we have denied ourselves until now. We may feel fear, or anger, or unexpressed love or any other human emotion. Sometimes we feel we belong, and at other times we feel alone and afraid. When we hurt, we cry; even tears from unknown sources are fully accepted here. Sometimes we laugh when we hear stories that parallel our own lives, knowing at last that we are not alone.

Sometimes the issue of "dumping" is raised by a member. This is where one member thinks another's sharing is just dumping his/her garbage on the group. How ever there's a problem with this because what is seen as dumping to one person may be legitimate sharing of feelings to another. A general guideline is that as long as the person sharing keeps the focus on him/herself, the expression of feelings is okay. When we feel uncomfortable about another's sharing, we examine ourselves rather than stifling the sharer.

Crying is not looked down on as being "on the pity pot." Crying is a necessary part of the process of grieving that we all found we had to go through. We are all grieving our losses; our childhoods; what others did to us; what we did to those we love; what we did to ourselves.

TIME CONSTRAINTS

Realizing that others need to talk, we try to limit our sharing to ___ minutes.

SAFE MEETINGS

A meeting is "safe" for sharing when what has been said is not commented on. A meeting is safe when a person's anonymity is protected. A meeting is safe when each person keeps the focus on him or herself. This is basic safety in an ACA meeting. When people can open up, healing begins and this is the best environment for healing to occur. Safety gives people the freedom to truly express what is in their minds and hearts without fear of the subtle, often unintended message that it's not really okay to share feelings (be open and honest) in the group.

When in doubt, check the Traditions and consult your group conscience.

Take what you like and leave the rest.