by Recovery HQ, Dec 22, 2022

God, really? That’s what I thought when I arrived at the doors of addiction recovery, because I didn’t believe in any God when I arrived at the doors of recovery. Sure, when I was little, I believed in God just like I believed in Santa Claus. I even said sincere Catholic prayers, went to church, Sunday school, catechism, and sang in a choir. But, as I grew up and had stress from God fearing adults pushed down my throat, I stopped believing in the God of my youth, well before I was a teenager.

The most common prayer I said for years was “God Damn It” and when I was in real trouble I would say some 911 prayers. But they would be forgotten as soon as the trouble passed. Then on June 3, 1992, when drugs and alcohol quit working to make my miserable life bearable, I sincerely pleaded with the universe to help me, and within 24 hours I was being brought to a treatment center.

So, when I arrived at the doors of recovery, I was a card-carrying agnostic. I would have told you I was an atheist, but an atheist needs to be able to argue why there isn’t a God, and I wasn’t that clever.

Then when I finally settled into early recovery, it’s a blessing the word God wasn’t written in the first two steps. If it had been in Step 1, I may have left long before any miracle happened. But since it wasn’t, and I was so stuck on thinking I would never be restored to sanity in Step Two, I didn’t even notice the implication of God through this “Power Greater Than Me”.

I heard and saw that a bunch of the people in the meetings had been restored to sanity, and if I was going to be restored too, it had to be by a power far greater than me. It took me quite few days, but I listened to the people in the rooms and saw that they had been restored to sanity, and I figured if it worked for them, maybe it could work for me. My sponsor and I agreed that a power less than me couldn’t restore me to sanity, and I had already tried a bunch of powers equal to me, and they couldn’t restore me to sanity either.

Then, just like that, my sponsor mentor told me were on Step Three. I looked at it and it seemed like it was the first time I saw ever the word God in the program. I proceeded to tell him I didn’t believe in God, I knew this was a cult, and I’m leaving!

He said great, see you later, but remember, NA, AA and CA were 12 step programs, and you have to take all 12 steps to get the full benefit, and that I was only on step 2 ½ . So, if I was going to leave, not to talk crap about any 12 step program not working. Because if I wasn’t willing to go through all 12 steps and at least do the minimal work required, I had no right to say anything.

He also told me it doesn’t say we believe in God. The only place it says we believe anything was in step 2, came to Believe that a power greater than me couldn’t restore me to sanity. And he reminded me I had just told him I believed I could be restored to sanity just like all you had.

My sponsor also showed me where the AA Big Book said that God was only found deep down within us. He told me to leave that condemning God of my youth behind, don’t believe anything, do the work, take all the steps and see if my damaged spirit could heal from the process and I could have a spiritual awakening like he had.

I had been arriving at meetings feeling crappy and feeling better when I left, so I was getting something from the people at the meetings. My sponsor mentor reminded me that if my car didn’t start when I left a meeting, I couldn’t push it far on my own, but all of you could push me as far as I needed to go and together, you were a power far greater than me. So all of you, you Group Of Drunks, were my first God. I didn’t believe in you per se, but I came to believe that the people in the meetings could help restore me to sanity.

He also pointed out that on page 63 of the big book it says when we sincerely do the work, all sorts of remarkable things follow. He highlighted “enjoy peace of mind, face life successfully, and lose our fear of today, tomorrow and the hereafter.”

I had no peace of mind when I got here, I was not facing life successfully, and I had lots of fear of today, tomorrow and the hereafter. He then basically challenged me to go through all 12 steps. He said to not believe anything, just do the minimal work required and at least give myself a chance to heal my still terribly damaged spirit.

So, I “made a decision”, I would reluctantly do the minimal amount of work and when I got to the end, I would flip you all off and leave.

30 seconds later he had me reading some stupid prayers out of the stupid AA books to a stupid god I didn’t believe in. Not the GOD you all believed in. He also had me read the prayers over and over and over until I actually read them with a little bit of sincerity. I didn’t tell him, but I actually felt a little bit better when we were finished.

He then gave me direction on the fourth step, I wrote out my first resentments, fears and first part of my sex/behavior inventory, we read the 5 prayers from the 4^th Step, did the meditation, which was a prayer, and did the service which outlined in the 4^th Step.

He then gave me a week to write out all my resentments and read the two resentment prayers for each one, write out all my fears and read the fear prayer for each one, and write out my sex inventory and read the two sex prayers, one sex meditation and do a little something to help someone for each one.

I thought it was a bit extreme, but within 15 minutes I had gone from almost leaving and going back to my miserable life, to praying to some God thing I didn’t believe in and feeling better. So, I agreed and got to work.

And wouldn’t you know it I started to hear other acronyms people had for God. Good Orderly Direction, Gift of Desperation, Grow Or Die, Getting Off Drugs, and Gaining One’s Dreams among others.

Before you knew it, I was holding hands after meetings with you all, sincerely saying the serenity prayer in a circle and getting a bunch of strength from you. I was going through some real challenges cleaning up my past AND living this new life clean and sober. The power I got from you all and from sincerely reading those God prayers was really helping me.

Over the next few months, I took all the steps with that sponsor mentor, and I read all the God prayers and meditations (which are mostly God prayers), close to 25 in all, and took all the action, often reluctantly. Most of the time I didn’t like it and much of the time I didn’t say the God prayers sincerely or from the bottom of my heart. But sometimes I did say them sincerely and really wanted the good part of the prayers to happen to me, and more times than not, I felt better and I got through whatever was happening in early recovery without having to pick up a drink, or a drug, or start acting out on some bad behavior.

Then one day my sponsor/mentor called me up and wanted to get together. He told me I had had a spiritual awakening or healing as he said, as the result of the step work we had done. I was blown away! I wasn’t full of the anger and rage I came here with. Most of the big fear was gone. I wasn’t screwing up my life, and drugs, alcohol and the horrendous behavior I came here with was gone.

I had been getting this great strength and power from you all, particularly when we all sat together for a while, calmed down, prayed, and helped a new member who was struggling. I couldn’t believe it. I had started to believe in you all, then these corny steps, then some weird power greater than me, and finally myself. I hadn’t believed in any of us before I got here, particularly any God or me!

And I didn’t flip you all off and leave, like I had planned. I stayed around and kept making little bits of progress. Still reading the God prayers, still not always liking it, but doing it anyways. And the results of my life were undeniable. I got my old step back. I got into the flow off life, my spirit healed, I became useful, and I didn’t need alcohol, drugs or other negative things to get me through.

Over the years I’ve continued practicing the 25 or so AA God prayers, and all kinds of other prayers and meditations which have God connotations. I’ve spent thousands of hours praying. I’ve taught people to pray, other people have taught me to pray. I’ve prayed with people who didn’t believe in God and seen them get amazing results. I’ve prayed for people who were suffering and have had people pray for me when I was suffering.

This God thing continually evolves for me. I feel power, peace, and strength all over the planet. At the ocean, in the mountains, by a tree with songbirds, watching a baby smile. Often when I pray, the word God is in my prayers, but I don’t really know who or what I’m praying to, just some great power that carries me through everything.

When I get quiet, sincere, have intention, and put my entire heart and being into any of the prayers, remarkable things happen. And when I do it consistently with intention and with you, my spirit gets renewed and filled with strength, peace, and freedom to do anything and get through anything, without having to pick up or cause havoc. In fact, together we get through extremely challenging times, unscathed and find we have a sense of peace, freedom, and love at the end of it.

But, when I don’t pray, or don’t pray with all my heart, even the simplest things can seem like a burden.

So, as I sit here today all these years later, I’ll do what my first sponsor/mentor told me to do and judge the results. And the results are very, very good. This power greater than me, who I choose to call God, you Group of Drunks, my Gift of Desperation, and following your Good Orderly Direction, has provided me more than enough power to successfully get through anything life has thrown my way for nearly 30 years. I don’t know who or what this God is, but I do know for sure that my life and the lives of all those who know me, are infinitely better when I’m sincerely praying to this God thing.

So, if you doubt this God thing like I did, I hope you keep an open mind, take whatever necessary action is required to help you through any situation you may have, and see what kind of results you get. I’ll bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

For more information, visit RecoveryHQ.com or contact the Recovery HQ team directly and we will do all we can to assist you.